Weeks 21 & 22 A.D.
We recently received terrible news that a former softball teammate of my daughter Emma passed away in a tragic accident at just 15 years old. While I don’t know what it’s like to lose a child myself, and God willing, never will, I’m aware of the toll it takes on people, on a family. My nephew/godson was killed by a distracted driver three years ago, shortly after he had turned 22, and so I’ve seen first-hand how a tragedy like this can break people and force young people (really all people) to face their own mortality. My heart broke for this young lady’s family and for her friends.
I also recalled what it was like when a friend of mine passed away at the age of 21. It was the day after my 21st birthday and the day after he had just gotten home from visiting me at college for my birthday, with my (now) husband. I remembered sitting at our friend’s parents’ house, the visitation and the funeral, so lost as to how we even got there. We were just kids. Kids should not be burying their friends. Parents should not have to bury their child. But we did.
I saw the same thing unfold with my nephew’s death. Our family and his friends were lost, confused and broken. They shouldn’t have had to bury their friends. My sister shouldn’t have had to bury her son. But they did.
So when Emma and I went to the funeral, it broke my heart to see, again, kids—much younger kids—bury their friend. Parents that had to somehow manage to figure out a way to keep living a life without their baby and siblings have to navigate a world without a part of them.
Death is…something.
It’s something I’ve always feared. When I talked through my thoughts on death with my therapist, she put it so plainly, “no one gets out of this life alive.” And she’s right. So, why is it so scary to me?
All I can come up with is two things.
- The unknown is the scary part. Especially if you get easily jump scared, and I do.
- I have to let go. I will one day, hopefully long from now, have to let go of a wonderful life lived. I have to let go of control. Because I won’t control when I will go.
I’m not going to pretend I’ve reconciled with my own mortality as I stand here today. And I understand that I am lucky with my cancer outcome and I don’t have to stand toe-to-toe with death in this moment. My point is that it hurts my heart that my 15-year old is already so exposed to her own mortality, no matter how I may try to shield her—right or wrong.
But, it’s a natural part of our life journey. We all struggle to come to terms with it.
The thoughts about death and my mortality made me want to pivot to a more grateful mindset. I am grateful to be here and be well—and so I’ve determined I want to do something this gratitude and put it to good use. I started doing a “grand tour of gratitude”, as I’m loosely calling it.
I made my first stop weeks ago, but it continued over the weekend when my daughter Jillian and I attended the annual pickleball fundraiser for Peace Out Cancer—if you recall, this is the nonprofit organization that I borrowed my mastectomy recovery chair from. I think I mentioned in a previous post (if not, my bad) that Zach and I made a donation to this organization, using some of the leftover funds that my friends & support community donated to my family in Meal Train. I figured, if we didn’t need it any longer, I would want it to go to good use and to an organization that did help me in my journey and can help others going through breast cancer treatment.
While we did not play pickleball, we watched a little of the competitive bracket play. They’re no joke! We walked around the silent auction items, bid on a few—which I later did win a sangria basket—I also bought a little merch, to help represent the org. I soaked in the camaraderie, love and support. It was a different feeling—knowing you’re in the company of others who “get it”. They know what breast cancer feels like.
My next stop on my grand tour of gratitude was Sharsharet, a national non-profit that I have mentioned before on the blog. I stumbled across this org as I was looking for resources to help me talk to my kids, especially Zander, my youngest, about my cancer. They were founded in the Jewish culture and religion by a breast cancer survivor who was a law clerk under THE RBG!! Today, their mission extends to all, including outside of the Jewish faith, and they are an amazing resource! I talked with a Support Program Coordinator, who helped me navigate the various resources that would be helpful during all phases of my cancer: early diagnosis, treatment & recovery and survivorship. I’m telling you, AMAZING!!
Not only did they send me materials on how to talk to my kids, they sent Zander a “Busy Box” of activities we could do together while I was in recovery, they also sent me resources for my caregiver (Zach), a mastectomy recovery kit that included the absolute best seatbelt cushion and a bolster pillow—which were curated by breast cancer survivors. I also received a “Beauty Box” with clean-ingredient makeup and got signed up on their online community and emails, which offer a whole other host of programs. I plan to take advantage of their nutrition program with a licensed dietitian who specializes in cancer-fighting diets.
While this is a national org, my gift might be nominal in comparison to other gifts, but I’m a firm believer that every gift to a nonprofit organization counts. Especially in today’s world when funding is sparse despite being so critical. Keep that in mind!!
The last stop on the grand tour of gratitude, for now, was another national organization, Bright Spot Network. Also along my quest to find resources to support my kids through my cancer, I found Bright Spot, who offers “Bright Boxes” for kids in families dealing with cancer. If you know me, I love the arts. I actually majored in art and art history in college, but my professional experiences somehow steered me in a different direction. Bright Spot Network is special in the way they specifically focus on supporting families with young kids, whether through the arts, books or support groups.
Zander received a Bright Box with four different art activities that we did together during my recovery. As an art nerd myself, I loved the theme: Wayne Thiebaud & (I think it was) Josef Albers. I got to teach Z a little bit of modern art, we got to paint together, and we didn’t have to think about cancer for a bit.
In addition to my grand tour of gratitude, I’ve been working on figuring out what long-term wellness looks like for me. Nutrition and exercise, yes, but also spiritually (not specific to religion) and socially.
That’s why I was so excited for an upcoming team wellness time-out, I guess we’ll call it. One of my teammates scheduled a restorative yoga session for the team. In our line of work, inclusion/DEIB/Human Resources, it’s a wild time. It’s so important, now more than ever, to take some time-outs together to reset and give care to ourselves since our job is to pour into others.
If you’ve never done restorative yoga, don’t sleep on it. It’s so good! It’s basically the most beginner level of physical yoga (so don’t be scared if you’re not flexible) mixed with a lot of breathing exercises. It’s mostly breathing really. It made me realize how crappy of a breather I am and because of that, I’m not getting enough oxygen in my brain to regulate myself. So, I’m constantly tense and stressed. This was a relief! And I got some good stretching in, which is still an important part of my recovery.
It made me start thinking about what more I want to do for myself when it comes to yoga practice.
On the social front, I recently committed to being a “Culture Super Champ” at work. Essentially, we have a very structured culture program with shared languages and resources that help everyone align on our corporate values and how we engage with one another. In this role, I get to be one of the leaders that helps guide other people leaders on how to best integrate our culture concepts into everyday work. It aligns nicely with my role, but also I need to stretch myself more socially. I’m an introvert, but I do enjoy connecting with people and being helpful to others.
The Culture Champs all convened for a one-day, offsite summit to network with one another and also to innovate and get some take aways we can put into action with our business parters. This was the first large-scale event I had been to since my cancer diagnosis, since surgery, since recovery, and oh my—it was so good!
I hugged so many people and caught up with folks I haven’t seen or talked to in forever. I met some people in person for the first time. But what became more evident to me was, and I don’t mean this arrogantly but more-so shocked, was the impact I’ve made on others by sharing my cancer journey on my social platforms.
If you’ve followed along on this journey, you’ve heard me share that it took some time to decide IF I even wanted to share my breast cancer journey. I then decided to, but reconciled that I would always share a week or two behind, in order to allow myself time to process first. I didn’t know if anyone would read my posts, let alone read entire blog entries. I do realize we live in a world of 30-second TikTok video doom scrolling. But, I did it anyway. As journaling therapy for myself as well as hoping that maybe someone, somewhere, might get some benefit out of my journey. Whether it reminds folks to do their own breast health screening (men too!), reassure them that, yes, diagnosis is scary but that you’re not alone, helps them advocate for their preventative care or treatment, provides them resources along their journey or simply allows them to follow alongside with me.
My encounters with teammates at the Culture Champ Summit helped me to see that my words ARE helping.
And so, I add all of you to my grand tour of gratitude. Thank you for reading.
I’ll continue sharing.
Midlife Mamacita 